Trigger Warning: This blog discusses the sensitive topic of substance use as it relates to parents and young people. This content is intended for families experiencing experimental drug use in the teen and early adult years. If your family is dealing with long-standing or severe substance use, please consult a professional substance abuse counselor.
From the moment we learn we’re going to have a child, our instinct is to protect them. For years, we watch over them carefully, always ready to intervene and shield them from harm. We do everything we can to help them grow and thrive into the best versions of themselves. So, when we discover they’re using drugs, it’s natural for us to immediately shift into protective mode, wanting to act.
But paradoxically, our efforts to protect may sometimes backfire. The use of substances often comes with many motivations, one of which is the desire to step away from the very protective watchfulness of adults. Fueled by the energy and excitement of adolescence, drug use can represent an act of independence—something experienced outside the reach of family members. It’s a little like a toddler taking their first steps away from a parent, thrilled by the new sense of autonomy. “Look at me go!”
When caring adults respond out of fear or the need to control behavior, it often only strengthens the young person’s drive to assert their independence. This can tighten the knot in the adult-child dynamic, making it even more difficult to untangle.
Unfortunately, in today’s world, where the drug supply is increasingly contaminated, easily accessible, and the normalization of recreational drug use is on the rise, these challenges between parents and their children are more common than ever.
So, what’s a parent to do? How do we protect our young people while navigating this complex terrain? How do we ensure our efforts to protect do not backfire and create disconnection in a haze of shame and blame?
1. Calm Your Body, Then Your Mind
First and foremost, it’s crucial to take immediate steps to calm your own body and thoughts. When you're in a state of activation—whether it’s panic, fear, or frustration—speaking to your child from that place will only escalate the tension. Your mind may race toward worst-case scenarios, but it’s important to center yourself. Reach out to your support network for perspective, and use grounding tools to anchor yourself in a calm state before engaging in a conversation. The ventral vagal state of the Autonomic Nervous System is where you’ll find a sense of calm and connection, which will allow for a more productive and compassionate dialogue.
2. Practice Self Love and Self Compassion
It’s natural to feel reactive when we perceive a threat to someone we love. This often triggers the Fight/Flight (Sympathetic) response in our autonomic nervous system. In these moments, we may feel compelled to take immediate, intense action—whether that means making phone calls, imposing new rules, or demanding others take action with us. Alternatively, we might feel overwhelmed and want to escape the situation altogether.
Recognizing this reactivity as a normal protective response is crucial. Our nervous system is designed to react quickly to perceived threats, which is essential for survival in certain situations. However, it’s important to assess whether this reaction is truly warranted in the moment.
To practice self-compassion, pause before acting. Acknowledge your fear, frustration, or other emotions without judgment. Give yourself the space to reflect and choose your response thoughtfully, rather than reacting impulsively. This approach not only supports your emotional well-being but also allows you to respond in a more measured and intentional way.
3. Remember You’re on the Same Team
When you're ready to talk, remind yourself that you and your child ultimately want the same thing: for them to lead an exciting, independent life. In this moment, your visions of how to achieve that may differ, but you're still on the same team, working toward their well-being and future.
3. Approach with Curiosity
This next step is easier said than done, but it’s essential: approach the conversation with curiosity. Ask your child about their motivations for using substances. What were they hoping to gain? Did they find what they were looking for? Did they have any concerns before trying it, and how did they manage those concerns? What are their plans moving forward? Speak to them as you would a peer or colleague, respecting that they are navigating their own process of identity formation and trying to make sense of their world.
4. Own Your Struggles
If you find yourself slipping into control or fear-based tactics, acknowledge it. Let your child know that you’re doing your best, but you’re finding it hard to have this conversation. Use “I” statements like: “I really want to have this conversation in a way that helps me understand you better,” or “I want to be the kind of parent I needed at your age.” Express your fears honestly—without letting them take over—and propose a plan to revisit the conversation later if needed. Return to Step 1.
5. Address Life-and-Death Concerns Calmly
If your child expresses views you find dangerous or life-threatening, be sure to address it calmly. Acknowledge that you both have a problem. For example, if they believe drug use is common among their friends and safe, say something like: “I hear you saying that your friends believe it’s safe. I may not be up-to-date, but as someone who loves you, I really want to make sure you’re getting accurate information. Let’s research this together.” This keeps the conversation collaborative and open, rather than confrontational. It also teaches them how to seek out trustworthy sources and make well-informed decisions.
6. Be Prepared for Ongoing Conversations
Be ready for many more conversations over time. Substance use isn’t likely to be resolved in one discussion. Keep the lines of communication open so that, if they ever need help in the future, they won’t feel ashamed to reach out to you. Focus on their safety first, rather than rejecting all substances outright. Be open to the idea of involving a third party to support both of you—whether that’s a trusted family member, a doctor, a community leader, or a trained professional.
7. Support Their Journey of Self-Discovery
Lastly, remember that this is part of your child’s journey of self-discovery. There will be mistakes along the way, but what matters is how they—and you—handle those mistakes. It’s important for them to know they are loved and respected, even when they stumble. We all make mistakes, but it’s how we learn from them and grow that truly defines us. This holds true for both adults and young people alike.
When we strive for honest, open communication rooted in respect and collaboration, we create a safe space for our children to turn to—no matter how badly they stumble. In navigating these difficult conversations, patience, empathy, and a calm, open approach are key.
Protecting our children doesn’t always mean shielding them from the world—it also means helping them navigate it safely and with wisdom.
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