Co-Regulation: Guiding Our Children Through Emotional Storms
- lisamarucci
- Jun 2
- 3 min read
Many parents ask: How do I provide co-regulation for my child? Great question—and I wish there was a simple, clear-cut answer. But that’s not how co-regulation works.
At its core, co-regulation is about connection. It’s about your child’s nervous system being able to tap into your regulated, steady presence. That’s why it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution—co-regulation is dynamic, and unique to every parent-child relationship.
That said, I can offer you some guidance.
Step One: Start with You
Before anything else, check in with yourself. Is your body regulated? Are you feeling calm, grounded, and confident? Or are you panicked, overwhelmed, or silently spiraling with negative self-talk?
Even if you're not saying it out loud, your child knows. Children are exquisitely attuned to the emotional states of their caregivers—often more than we realize. If you're thinking it, they're feeling it.
So, even if you're saying, “I'm calm,” take a moment to really check in:
Is your breathing slow and steady?
Is your heart beating at a normal pace?
Are you holding compassionate thoughts for yourself and your child?
If not, that’s okay. Take a few more moments for yourself. This is not just self-care—it’s modeling self-regulation.
You might say:
“I can see you're really upset, and I want to be here for you. I’m going to take a couple of minutes to get a drink of water and calm my body, and then I’ll be fully present with you.”
Transparency in parenting is powerful. It’s okay to admit:
“I’m not sure what to say or do right now. I need a moment to think.”
This shows your child that it's possible—and healthy—not to act on every urgent impulse. Unless someone is in immediate danger, you can take your time.
Step Two: Tune In
Once you feel calm and centered, turn your attention to your child’s nervous system. What is it communicating?
If their body is saying, “Stay away!”—respect that. Don’t rush in with touch or too many words. Sit nearby. Let your regulated presence speak louder than your voice.
In simple words or body language, offer reassurance:
“I’m here with you. I’m on your team. This is hard, but I trust that together we’ll figure it out.”
If your child is yelling, blaming, or trying to draw you into a fight, don’t take the bait. Their brain is dysregulated. You might gently say:
“We can talk more about this, but right now it’s more important that we calm our bodies so our thinking brains can help us work through it.”
Step Three: Offer Gentle Support
If your child seems ready to receive more from you, reflect on what they might appreciate in that moment:
Have they been crying? Offer a tissue.
Screaming? Bring a glass of water.
Need comfort? Ask before moving in:
“Would you like a hug right now?”“Can I put my hand on your back so you know I’m here with you?”
Think about what gestures of love your unique child typically accepts. When in doubt, ask.
Low and Slow
Let the phrase “Low and Slow” guide your actions—small gestures, slow movements, soft tone.
Imagine your child lost in a dark cave, terrified and frozen. Your job isn’t to shout directions from the outside, but to gently guide them out—step by step.
If your voice is urgent, your energy frantic, their panic will increase. But if your voice is calm and steady, your presence safe and grounded, their nervous system will begin to trust that it’s safe to move.
They may stumble. The fear may spike again. But you remain the calm, steady guide.
Let them know:
“It’s okay to feel scared. We’re going to get through this. I’m right here.”
Final Thoughts
Co-regulation isn’t about fixing emotions or rushing to solutions. It’s about being with our children in their hardest moments, helping them feel seen, safe, and supported. When they know they’re not alone in the dark, they’ll begin to find their way out.
With solid co-regulation, our children can do hard things. And they don’t have to do them alone.
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